The Mindfulness Diaries: How I Survived My First Nine-Day Silent Meditation Retreat by Howd Jennifer

Author:Howd, Jennifer [Howd, Jennifer]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Howd Media
Published: 2014-02-12T16:00:00+00:00

FRIDAY , MAY 10 (DAY SEVEN )

I wake up feeling vibrant and happy, grateful to be spending my fortieth birthday in this incredible experience with myself.

Since it’s my birthday and I’m still not feeling great, I’m going to give myself the gift of taking it fairly easy today.

My light, airy mood persists as I make my way over to the meditation hall and settle into my seat. Connecting with my breath, it feels relaxed and flowing. I’m observing it without controlling it, and I feel completely at ease.

In . . .

Out . . .

In . . .

Out . . .

Eyes gently closed. Breath calm. Body relaxed. I acknowledge the significance of being in silence on retreat for my fortieth birthday. And, almost immediately, I’m flooded with the desire to gently say goodbye to the person I’ve been during the first half of my life—to thank “her” for getting me this far—and then let her go, creating the space for my “future self” to emerge.

Loving Kindness phrases come to mind as I picture my Future Self standing in front of me, looking me right in the eyes, as if I’m gazing into a mirror:

May you be happy. . . . May you be healthy. . . . May you be safe. . . . May you be free.

Looking my Future Self in the eyes, my heart swells with feelings of love and self-compassion. Tears start pouring down my cheeks. My body feels electric. And I watch as my

Future Self leans in to embrace my Present Self, the “me” who’s looking at her. Her head rests on my shoulder, her arms entwine with mine.

She delicately strokes the back of my hair and whispers in my ear:

I love you, Jennifer.

I feel her warmth. My warmth. I feel her love. My love.

Tears continue flowing as I allow myself to feel the embrace of my own love—connecting, literally, with myself.

Basking in the bliss, my perspective slowly starts to switch. Now in the position of my Future Self, I’m looking back at and hugging the “Me” who embodies everything I currently am and have been up until this moment.

Literally embracing my past, I feel a profound sense of self-forgiveness for the mistakes I’ve made. I can also see how they’ve all led me to this very moment.

No more wishing I had acted differently in the past. No more regret.

My perspective then starts flipping back and forth, switching between my two Selves as I fully embrace both the person I’ve been up until this point, and the person I’m yet to be.

This continues for a while longer, until my Future Self gently grabs my hand and we move to swap places. I am now her. My Past Self looks me in the eyes. Kisses my cheek. Smiles. And then slowly starts backing away, our hands holding on until the very last moment.

Tears stream down my face as the image of my Past Self dissolves, my internal ritual complete.

DING. DING . . .

The bell echoes as I open

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.